.mirror.

nakaharap ako sa salamin. blanko. gusto kong umiyak.pero artista ba ko? sumasakit ang utak ko. sumasakit ang damdamin ko. pasan ko ba ang buong mundo? o sadyang pinipilit kong pasanin ang mundo?

.crucial.

Damn! I don't know what to do. I am scared and sometimes i really want to cry. Please please... i need strength right now. how do you heal a broken heart? no tranquilizer could sedate this pain in my heart, still hurting each day…i don’t even know if this heart is going to beat again even a bit after you hurt me..the pain of being cheated…i love you faithfully with all my heart but still you’re bleeding me to death..

.kill me.

i want to die right now. can you please kill me now? stab my back or even my chest... i hate it. i hate it when you always see yourself rather than feel me. i hate it when you always say that i don't love you. you're not the one i am wanting for the rest of my life. if you're not the one. i would rather leave you right now. i promised you everything. i even wrote you a letter to tell you how much i love you and how much i want you. but it seems to be ignored by your insecurities. i hate it. if you could only see me. if you could only hear my heart out. as if it was saying "can't you see? i am hurting." stop it. please. stop it. kill me now.

.rain.

hate the rain. hate the traffic. hate it hate it! hate it when someone is tripping. hate it! hate it!

DEAR JAN,

Dear Jan, I've known you for so long and I can say that I know you so well. I told you so many times but i still want to tell it to you over and over again. I love you. Though at times you may feel that i don't care about you, but trust me on this one, I LOVE YOU more than words can ever explain and more than actions that can ever express. 11 years have passed and i can still feel the chills when you’re beside me. I shiver, I think that is the right word on how to explain it. I am grateful that you came into my life in time that I needed someone to love me. Every night I am thanking God for sending you to me. You're the angel that pulled me up from hell. Whether we live in a fairy tale or a non-fairy tale world, I still believe there is such a thing as " And they live happily ever after", and even if you don't believe it, let's make it happen. It is you that i want to see waiting for me in front of the altar. It is you that i want to exchange bands and in front of God saying our vows that we are promising that till death do us part. It is you that i wanted to see every morning when i wake up. It is you who will hold my hand in the delivery room and waiting for our baby to come. it is you that i will grow old with. I'll be your eyes when your eyes get blurry, I will describe everything you want to see.. The skies, birds, trees swaying..everything...I'll be your hands when you can't handle things anymore, I'll be your voice when you cannot speak up anymore. And I will let you remember everyday how much you love me and how much i love you when you can't remember anymore. Now that we're together I promise to be always true to you, to love you and trust you. I love you more than anything this life can offer me and i will hold your hand until my last heart beat. I love you. Love, DHANG

.ako ba o ikaw.

kakatapos lang ng sandamakmak ng meeting. pagod na pagod ang isip mo sa kakaisip ng mga bagay na related sa work. tapos pag uwi mo ang tanging inaasahan mo ay ang taong hahagod ng likod mo at sasabihin sayong, "ok ka lang ba?kamusta naman araw mo? anong gusto mo? napagod ka ba? gusto mo ng masahe?" o kaya simpleng "halika nga dito, hug kita! " hindi yung sa bawat araw pag uwi mo ang maririnig "anong oras na? naghintay na naman ako ng matagal!" ARGH! ako ba o ikaw ang may problema. ako ba o ikaw ang laging panalo. ako ba o ikaw ang tunayu na nagmamahal. kasi kung ikaw.. bakit hindi tayo magcompromise.bakit? wag mong sabihin na ikaw lang ang nagmamahal. wag mong sabihn na ikaw lang ang nagsasakripisyo. kasi ang lam ko. parehas tayo.

.slut.

kung may isang bagay akong pinagsisihan. eh yun yung pumapatol ako sa taong walang utak. yun yung mga taong walang ginawa na lang kung hindi maghinala at tawagin ako sa mga tawag na hindi naman dapat. "BITCH", "WHORE" at "SLUT". pag tinawag akong bitch ng mga tao. ok lang! eh sa ganun talaga ako. i'm a bitch, i'm a lover i'm a child i'm a mother i'm a sinner i'm a saint.. blah blah! pero pag sinabihan mo ko ng whore or ng slut paulit- ulit.. pakshit! parang di na yata tama! parang may hangganan naman ako. i have been very patient regarding this issue. and i hate na paulit ulit na lang. and i hate when some people are making a big fuzz on what i am doing.bwiset! "YES, I AM SLUT! BUT I AM THE BEST SLUT IN THE WORLD!"

.battle.

am i fighting a loosing battle? am i fighting for nothing? am i nothing? am i fleeting? so many questions that i don't even know how to answer. i am staring outside my big window and all i can see is a blank space. i wanted to put some colors but my hands are shaking. don't even know what will happen tomorrow. but i am still holding.

.para kay sa kaibigan ko.

sabi nga sayo.. hindi lahat ng bagay nadadaan sa determinasyon. kung ang mga bagay ay kumukumplikado ng buhay mo. minsan marami tayong bagay na naiisip na nakakainis kasi alam mong gusto mong mangyari pero hindi mangyari. bakit? kasi choice mo yan. pinipili natin ang isang bagay na maganda at dapat dal iniisip na natin ang magiging magandang resulta nito. pero kelangan mo ring isipin na ang isang bagay ay mapapdali kung ikaw ay marunong tumangap. para kang nasa weighing scale. sa left, gusto mong kumapit. ayaw mong bumitaw. dal alam mong may pagasa. pero wag mong isipin. damahin mo. ano ang laman ng puso mo? hindi ng utak mo. sa right, gusto mong bumitaw. dal ayaw mong may masaktan pang iba. ayaw mong mahirapanang lahat ayaw mo ng kumplikado. pero naiisip mo ba na kaya mong iwan na lang ang isang bagay na alam mong dati sayo na? tanggapin mo ang mga pangyayari. hanggat kaya kakayanin. kahit isang daliri na lang ang nakakapit. wag ka munang bumitaw. kahit sagad na sa sakit. wag ka munang bumitaw. alam mo yung linyang "mahal kita, sobra.. kahit ang sakit sakit na?" o kaya yung linyang "bakit ganun sana hindi na lang kita minahal, kasi nagmamahal ako pero namamatay ako..." alam ko... hindi mo na naiintindihan ang mga bagay. pero kaya pa naman diba? kapit lang. pag hindi na. bitaw. masakit pero dapat.

.Away.

I've been away for quite sometime. I've been very busy with shoots and castings. Since last year, i never found an office that really suites me. Maybe i just miss the people whom I've worked with for the pat three years. My Soundesign Family gave me an extraordinary experience. Though there were tough times between me and zed, i never had a chance to say thank you to her because she made me strong. I was thinking, if she did not do what she did to me, am i the same person who is sitting next room to the VP Chairman of DDB and be appointed by my very beautiful boss as her assistant?Nah! I think I'm still there at the little corner doing voice samples for producers. I am not saying that it's not fun. Actually, there is this one time that i really wanted to go back and do the same thing again. Maybe, Casting is in my blood. But that's my destiny. I am destined to be here and do what i have to do. After my soundesign days, due to misunderstanding between me and, i quit and i moved up to the second floor where i met Kaps. Gigi Velasquez is i think one of a kind boss.. She's funny yet strict. i learned a lot from her and ms. Toni, her partner. i learned how to deal with difficult client and people. I learned how to smile everyday though you want to burst out in tears because of stress and I learned how to be humble because as they say, you cannot please everybody. After 6 mos. I resigned and Len referred me to Beyond Advertising. I applied as an AE and being there for a month, I can say that I am having fun. DHANG